How to survive a vampire attack 101
Hey peeps, recently my posts have been kinda sad and depressing. Therefore, I thought of something to break the depressing streak. HOW TO SURVIVE A VAMPIRE ATTACK 101!!!!
Here's the enemy.
vampire ( ) n. A reanimated corpse that is believed to rise from the grave at night to suck the blood of sleeping people.
Now how do you actually kill these indestructible glittery balls of doom? Legend has it that garlic, stakes through the heart, holy water, a crucifix (cross), a silver bullet, and of course good old UV radiation.
Assuming you are with a good friend. And a vampire is chasing you both. What should you do!?
1. scratch your friends arm till it bleeds and run the other direction!
2. scratch both your arm and your friends arm till they bleed and run in 2 different directions! (a vampire cannot run in both directions. 50-50 chance you will survive.)
3. if you are having your period, lucky you. Throw your stained underpants or sanitary pad at the vampire and RUN!
4. take a little of blood and draw a cross on the wall (Hopefully, it will smell the blood and be attracted to it, but the cross will burn its glittery balls off! I'm not sure if this works but its worth a shot!)
5. pee a puddle on the floor and say, "I bless this pee in the name of the L***. Amen." (hopefully the vampire will step on the puddle of holy pee and melt teehee~)
Okay, now what if you are alone? Very simple, there are a few precautionary measures you can take like, always include loads of garlic in your meals. It also never hurts to bless your water bottle every time you refill it, this way, you will always have a full holy water grenade!
1. Tattoo your self with crosses. So when a vampire comes, just flash him! Don't worry girls, he will be a pile of ash before he can see anything.
2. You can also make a bloody holy pee trap. If you have a urinary tract infection, GOOD FOR YOU~! This trap will be much simpler and quicker for you to set up. Find a corner and pee, hopefully the blood in your pee will be enough to attract the vampire. After pee-ing, bless the red pee puddle and run the other way!
I guess this is about it... Haha this was meant to be lame so pay no heed to it. But these tips may help you survive Edawrd's shiny ass or his ridiculous hairdo.
-Ren *away, killing vampires*
